You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
Itll be like a collage of penis. And not that abstract, one penis in a big painting contemporary shit. Collage....
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
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