its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
