A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
Alcohol and video games. A solid Friday night. Even before covid
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