I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
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