I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
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