Cold hands, warm shart.
Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize
