If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
I have been thinking about it and I am really glad we decided to order helmets.
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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