Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
i dont know the whole gay terminator look is really hot on him
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
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