I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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