He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
