You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
