I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
champagne bombs. Yes, i think that is where things may have gotten out of control.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
I just found a bag of teeth...
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
Randomize