I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
what if the hokey pokey really is what its all about?
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
no, I didn't make it. Instead, i watched VH1 for... 13 hours? I use the question mark because I was using Flavor Flav's clocks to tell time after the first 3 hours.
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize
