checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
Randomize
