They keep asking what you are doing. I told them to quit calling her "what."
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Randomize