Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
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