Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
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