She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
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