I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
