Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
it seems that i get a boner from just about everything now
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Randomize
