Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
Randomize
