Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Randomize
