wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
time to smoke my breakfast
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Randomize
