and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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