Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
Randomize
