I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Randomize