I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
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