I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
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