Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
