Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Randomize