Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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