weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Randomize
