Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
Ok just saw a girl open a pillbox, dump it out on her notebook and count out 13 adderall tabs and put them in a baggie and leave. Oh hey college.
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
Randomize
