another moral hangover. fuck.
dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
