My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
You pole danced in your parka.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
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