god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
Randomize
