I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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