so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
Randomize