What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
Are some dicks heavier than others? Random question as I'm feeling mine.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
From the same High Brittany who brought you such thoughts as, "Fuck, am I wearing shoes?" Comes High Brittany on a date! Stay tuned. This will be interesting.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
