even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
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