Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Randomize