my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Randomize
