I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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