unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Randomize
