Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Randomize