you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
Randomize
