I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
I wish my penis had an off switch
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
Randomize
