Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
