If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
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