I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
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