please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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