Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Randomize
