This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Randomize
