she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
Randomize
