"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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