So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Randomize
