Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
Randomize
