So how was last night?
Let's just say I danced with the devil
Huh?
I'm going to Hell for sure
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
This gyro tastes like lonliness
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
Randomize
