ok i said sorry. what else do you want?
100 blowjobs
I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
