I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
Randomize
