Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
Okay, quick math test. If our entire group can do at least 6 shots a night, how much alcohol will be needed to keep us shit faced for the rest of the week? This is for a grade. Anddd, go.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
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