when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
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