**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
Randomize
