If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
