The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Randomize
