I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Randomize
