I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
Randomize
