I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
