booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
