I met the friendliest cop last night
If no ones going to say it, then I will. Vanessa Hudgens boobs are weird looking
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Randomize
